(RELATIONSHIPS) Is Cyber Sex Considered Cheating?

By: Blake Michaels
GAY GUYS

It doesn’t take a lot to get my man jealous—one glance, one smile, and it gets weird. He doesn’t go overboard; in fact I think it’s kinda cute when he gets a little jelly. But I can’t help but wonder why he lives on one side of the jealous spectrum when other guys exist on the other.

Online hookups and hookup apps run rampant in our community, honey. For many gay guys entering a new relationship, the concern is always in the back of our minds—can I trust him? We’re curious as to what we might find in his phone, but to save endless hours of obsessing we tell ourselves it’s fine and we’re being crazy. But at the end of the day, is cyber sex really cheating?

The home wrecker is on the other side of the screen—probably across the damn country. Hell, your man might even be paying for it. He isn’t sneaking out of the house to a secret boyfriend waiting for him with his ass in the air like a kitty. One of the interesting aspects about cyber cheating is that emotional attachment is rarely an issue because the whole point of it is to not get attached.


But when you’re in a long-term relationship, any man will feel territorial. It’s in our nature to protect what’s ours, and my husband is my husband—back the f*ck off.

So what makes some couples view cyber cheating as innocent fun? For starters it has a lot to do with security and prearranged agreement. I know plenty of couples that spent years living the bachelor life—on top and on bottom. Men of a particular kind of taste, personality and zest for sex might find it hard to suppress their stimulation with one man, so, they will agree to broaden their experience so long as there is no physical body present.

But how far is too far: Grindr, webcam, Snapchat, dirty emails? What platform is the one that crosses the line from uncomfortable to pissed off? If you ask me, any kind of exchange between my man and another where private parts are revealed is not okay. But who am I to judge other people’s tastes and limitations?

I once had a boyfriend who asked if I wanted to have sex on camera for one of his old f*ck buddies living in Amsterdam. I thought he was joking at first, but I realized he wasn’t when he whipped out the tripod.

I wasn’t sure why he was so persistent about it until it hit me: he was still hung up on him. After seeing what he looked like it was easy to get why. I realized then that cyber cheating has to do with fantasy and imagination—the adrenaline that comes from “sleeping” with a sexy guy via cyberspace. There are no STDs to worry about and any evidence is sure to be deleted soon after. The allure of it was too much for even myself to deny.

We aren’t together any more obviously, but the experience gave me a bit more compassion for those who do choose to cheat through their webcam. Hell, sites like AshleyMadison, which connects married people together with the intention of cheating, has tens of millions of users. Cheating ain’t going anywhere anytime soon so we might as well welcome it over the Internet, right?

I don’t condone cheating whatsoever, but I also don’t condone suppressing a man’s fantasies. If we can’t act on our sexual urges we will drive ourselves crazy. But at some point we have to ask ourselves if it’s worth it. Once your man knows you cheated, that label will follow you forever.