(RELATIONSHIPS) My BF Refuses to Top, What do I do?

By: Blake Michaels
GAY GUYS

Compatibility has many layers, honey. One of the most important, if not the most, has to do with sex. I’d like to be the bigger person and say it’s all about love, connection and intimacy. Don’t get me wrong, all that is important too, but when it comes to being mentally and emotionally stable within a partnership, you need to be comfortable with your current sex life.

It doesn’t matter what “role” you prefer to have in the bedroom, so long as it’s something you’re satisfied with. If your man is someone you’ve decided will last a long while, there’s no reason why you shouldn’t demand the sex you deserve. But what happens if your fantasies and urges don’t mesh with his?

Getting bottomed is fabulous not just because it feels amazing, but because it’s confirmation that your man finds you desirable. He has an erection, a hard one, for you – and he wants to be inside you. The whole thing is supposed to be a statement on where your devotion is with each other, but because we’ve turned it into something less meaningful, it’s become a lot more selfish.


We all want to feel our man inside us, at least for a little bit. It symbolizes our love, and that’s nice to have at the beginning of a relationship, but once your attachment becomes solidified, bottoming and topping become preferential – What do I like best? Where do we thrive most? What positions do we have the most fun? Trust me when I say unless you’re completely content with doing one thing all the time, you’re never going to be satisfied long term with just vanilla.

If your man is stubborn enough to tell you he’s only willing to bottom, it’s time to put your foot down. If he truly loves you, the last thing he wants is for you to think sex with him isn’t up to par – he’s a man, still. We have an ego when it comes to sex. If we feel like our man isn’t satisfied what we’re giving him, we take it personally and start to second-guess ourselves. But this is also a two way street. Before you rip his pride to shreds, you need to take a step back and ask yourself if you’re being too aggressive or needy about it.

Topping is something that most gay guys are comfortable doing at first – it’s the epitome of manhood in many ways, or so we’re taught. Not until we finally rid ourselves of this brainwash do we appreciate what anal play actually means. Most guys who dive right into it love it – that’s evident from the countless of self-promoted bottoms we see all the time. Bottoming is hot and those of us who love it, need it from their man to feel good.
But topping isn’t for everyone, contrary to popular belief. We all have different preferences, and different levels of erection. Hell, I’ve dated guys who get hard instantly and stay that way for duration, but I’ve also met guys whose erection gets hard and soft, no matter how horny he was. For a man trying to top, a penis that’s at only 65% will leave his partner to assume that he isn’t into it. That can be hurtful.

What makes a good top greater is confidence, and in order for him to reach that level, the bottom needs to be patient. If your man doesn’t want to top, there’s probably a reason for it. Maybe he’s insecure about his skills, maybe it brings back weird memories, or maybe he doesn’t like the size or behavior of his own penis. Your job, if you want to get f*cked, is to make him forget all those things.

Talk to him like you would any other situation – with compassion and empathy. Make him feel confident about what he has to offer, and, more importantly, that you’re going to have a good time regardless of his so called “insecurities.” He needs to feel supported, and you need to get pounded like there’s no tomorrow – meet him in the middle.