By: Jerry Plaza
Gay Guys
Just because I’m a nice guy doesn’t mean I’m flirting with your boyfriend. I refuse to be the target of jealous assumptions and misconceptions based on nothing but a smile—how many gay guys have you accused of trying to steal your man?
I like to think of myself as an equal opportunity greeter. I don’t discriminate friendliness whether you’re a man, woman, single or taken—everyone is going to get a hug and some serious eye contact. But lately it seems like every “taken” guy I meet has a pair of eyeballs directly behind him glaring at me with such intensity that will make any guy want to back away slowly.
This is the reason why it’s hard for single gay guys to make friends with couples, at least sometimes. Not all boyfriends are overly jealous, but those who are not only limit their circle of friends to couples only, but they also make guys like me so paranoid that we start questioning ourselves: “Was I too friendly?” “Was I not supposed to touch him?” “Do they think I was trying to get in the middle?” “Did I overstep my boundaries?” “Was it my fault?”
The energy is palpable. I know when someone thinks I’m flirting with his boyfriend because his smile disappears. He glares at me over the table and tries to send me a message: “Laugh at his jokes again and I’ll eat you for breakfast.” What the hell am I supposed to do with someone like that? It’s impossible to carry on like normal.
Every time I deal with a jealous boyfriend I feel a need to dim down and shrink into oblivion. I’m caught in the middle without intending to be, so my duty is to then limit myself, even apologize for my behavior in some cases. It’s getting old.
From my experience, the difference between friendliness and flirting depends on how attractive the jealous boyfriend thinks you are. If he doesn’t see you as a threat, he’ll hardly care; but if you threaten his own insecurities, be it looks, talent or knowledge, it doesn’t matter if what you’re doing is harmless, he’ll always take it to a dark place and keep it there.
I will never in my life openly flirt with a man I know is taken, especially in front of his boyfriend. My childhood was filled with infidelity. I know what it’s like having a home wrecker invade your family and tear it apart. The last thing I will ever do is keep two lovers away from each other, but for whatever reason I’m constantly being falsely accused.
I used to blame myself. I thought I came on too strong so I started becoming aware of personal space and attitudes with couples. But everything felt disingenuous. It’s not who I am. I made a vow long ago that anyone who comes into my life will be treated the same. I can’t be outgoing and personable with a woman then shift into someone detached and removed when speaking to a couple. It’s not who I am and I refuse to filter myself any longer.
The problem you have doesn’t lie with people like me, but with insecurities involving yourself or your own relationship. I’m not the problem. Let me repeat that… I am not the problem. So how dare you treat me like I am.
Too much jealousy runs rampant in our community pipeline. We’re eager to point our fingers the minute we sense a threat because we like to be dramatic. Life isn’t a reality show and I am not going to be cast as the “Homewrecking Whore” housewife that loves to ruffle your feathers.
I refused to play the game but in many cases, I’m not given a choice. Whether I want to or not, I’m thrown into a situation created and run by your own assumptions. All I want to do is have a good time and meet new people because it’s rare to meet gay guys I mesh with. You may have had experience in the past where you’ve been cheated on or have had guys mistreat you, but trust me when I say that is not my fault, my dear.
It’s time everyone allow nice guys like myself be who we are without forcing us to censor ourselves or submit to the insecurities invading your mind. I’m not going to play that game anymore. Instead of dismissing me, you should feel lucky that I’m talking to you in the first place. Let it go.
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