(COMMUNITY) How to Stop Being in the Gay "Friend" Zone!

By: Jerry Plaza

Sometimes it takes a while to form an intimate connection. I’ve known couples that were friends for years before any romantic spark happened. The friend zone is an interesting place to be when you’re a gay guy, mainly because most of us find it easy to fall for a man as soon as we get close.

When I was young I fell in love a lot. So much so that it was hard for me to be friends with any gay man – within a matter of days, I’d start to grow feelings. When you’re in the friend zone, it seems like your hours are numbered before you start to become attracted to each other. Meeting a guy we really connect with on a platonic level is rare, so when we find him we instantly want something more. But what happens when it’s clear the other person doesn’t want to take it to the next level?


I’ve been stuck in the friend zone many times, and I know the main reason why we get stuck is because of fear. We don’t want our friendship to be ruined but at the same time our feelings are getting stronger and stronger – so what do we do?

Everyone needs to discover feelings at their own pace. You cannot force someone to change their minds and try to envision friendship as something different. These things need time for both parties to discover. Too often we’re scared to investigate these feelings as they come up, so we push them to the side. But sometimes the feelings can be one-sided.

When the other person “just wants to be friends,” you can either a) go along with it, or b) rid yourself of the anxiety and say bye. Both will be hard to do because no matter which one you choose, the other man will be getting what he wants – not you. Chances are you’ve done both multiple times in your life, and who can blame you?

If you never want to enter the friend zone again, you need to understand why you’re there in the first place.
First, recognize that the relationship is uneven: he’s getting what he wants while you’re left confused and twiddling your fingers. Once you see this as the reality, you have to stop there.

Too many times I see gay guys act selfishly with their feelings. They like someone who doesn’t like them back, so rather than working facing the truth, they try and force the other’s feelings to change by agreeing to a “friends with benefits” arrangement hoping sex will bring them closer together. Sometimes they’ll arrange for a secret “date” by inviting him over for drinks and wine and treat the evening like a romantic night hoping it will spark ideas.

These are all really bad moves.

You cannot try and set something up with false hope because you will be investing way too much of yourself on him. The second you see the imbalance of feelings, the first thing you need to do is step away before it gets out of control.

We all have a reason why we like someone and many of us can’t help it. But what we can help is our aggressiveness of trying to change the truth. You cannot maneuver him towards a path he can’t comprehend. No amount of sex, dinners, sexual innuendo, or smiley texts will change that.

The friend zone will always happen in our lives, that’s not a question. It’s a matter of trying not to be in it longer than necessary. It’s hard to dodge, but it’s even harder not to give into pressure of forging it into a result we want. But trust me, when you see it for what it is, the best thing to do is to back away slowly. We all know when we’re in the zone.

The biggest lesson I’ve learned in life thus far is that when two people really like each other, things come easy. If things are complicated because it’s one-sided, trust me, find the courage to say goodbye to the dream and focus on the incredible friendship you’ve gained.